First Aid Fumbles: A Giggly Guide for the Medically Mystified

A Dose of Electricity:

Is the victim still married to the power supply? If yes, turn off the power ASAP! Electricity bills are sky-high, and we don’t want those precious volts going to waste.

Check for a pulse, though you may need to sift through a crispy critter to find a wrist. And oh, try not to turn green while at it.

Now, hitch a ride to the nearest ER. If your car battery’s dead, a jolt from the victim should do the trick. Jump-starting has never been so literal!


Burns, Boils, and BBQs:

Quickly run the sizzled area under cold water. But if your buddy resembles a human torch, it might be a tad late for this tip.

Spilled hot coffee on their clothes? Strip ’em down! Who knows, your impromptu striptease might just lighten the mood.

Remind them that worse things happen at sea, like sinking or being a snack for Jaws.


Bones Playing Peekaboo:

Inspect the damage, if there’s a piece of bone auditioning for a horror movie through the skin, tell the victim they have a bright future in showbiz. Always keeps their spirits up!

Tie a splint, and ask them to strut their stuff. If they pass out, well, at least they won’t whine about the pain.

Feel like a daredevil? Try rearranging their limbs in a modern art fashion. It’s like human origami, only bloodier!


Food Fight in the Throat:

Attempt to evict the lodged food with a firm punch to the gut. Ready your reflexes to dodge the food missile that follows.

Request a discount from the waiter because, hey, your dinner tried to assassinate you.

Mental note: Liquid diet is less murderous.


Cuts: The Leak Situation:

Dress the wound, though it’s not a date, so a casual attire should do.

Limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet, but not around the neck, we aren’t aiming for a vampire’s dream here.

Stitch it up, but remember, we aren’t trying to get a signal, so skip the aluminum wire.


Eyeball Intruders:

Flush the eye with water, but no soap. This isn’t a bubble bath scenario.

Offer to fish out the trespasser with your teeth. The victim will magically feel better before you get close.


Knock-Knock, Who’s There? Concussion!

Once awake, quiz them on the day, the president, and the number of fingers you’re showing. To spice it up, keep your hands in your pockets.

Send their score to: Dr. Noggin Boggler, Concussion Contest, PO Box 404, Reality Check City. The highest scorer wins a helmet!

Speak in Klingon for an extra dose of confusion. Ah, the endless entertainment of concussion care!



And there you have it, a novice’s notebook to navigating the nebulous nuances of non-professional nursing. Remember, it’s all in good fun, until someone loses an eyeball, then it’s just hilarious!

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