Text to speech
October is “meet the blind” month for some reason. So, to celebrate, here are answers to questions you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask.
- Q: Should I take a blind person to lunch to celebrate this most sacred month?
A: No. Blind people do not require the same sustenance that other humans do. They feed off sound and convert it to energy. For this reason, always shout at a blind person when you meet one. They enjoy a good meal as much as the next person.
- Q: What conversational topics are appropriate when talking with a blind person?
A: Never, ever stray from topics specifically related to blindness, as these are the only topics a blind person can speak about with any authority. If you want to discuss things such as whether or not the new Star Trek series is good, or whether the existence of Pumpkin Spice Oreos is cause for disgust or celebration, find someone else. Blind people are one-dimensional beings who cannot engage in such discourse.
- Q: I see a blind person walking confidently down the street. What should I do?
A: Never let the supposed air of competence fool you. Blind people, though they may vehemently protest otherwise, are perpetually lost and it is up to you to decide where they are going and assist them in getting there.
- Q: I met a blind person who behaved like a complete jerk! What happened?
A: Always remember that blindness has bestowed near sainthood upon all who experience it. Anything you have seen which contradicts this fact is most likely a part of a beneficent plan that you are ill-equipped to understand.
- Q: I like to tell jokes. Can blind people laugh, and if so, what do they laugh at?
A: As with conversational topics, jokes about blindness are the only ones which will make sense to a blind person. Rest assured that whatever joke you tell will have never been heard before, and you are certain to get a good laugh.
- Q: Should I ask a blind person to feel my face?
A: Yes. Hollywood has absolutely gotten this one right. While such an act would normally be one of intimacy and only undertaken by people who feel connected to each other, this is not so for the blind person. They will feel perfectly comfortable and not at all squeamish about this act. If you ask them and they decline, be forceful and insist they do so.
- Q: This one time, I talked to a blind person with a guide dog and then later I saw the person without the guide dog. When I asked where the guide dog was and recounted our earlier conversation, the person said it never happened and that perhaps it was someone else altogether. Huh?
A: This has been known to happen, but it is nothing to worry about. You may indeed have been talking to a different person, but this is not a cause for concern. You are not required to note aspects of a blind person’s appearance, nor any other characteristics for that matter beyond the most important one. These beings are interchangeable and confusion on your part about which one is which is perfectly understandable.
- Q: I’m beginning to have a tiny suspicion that this is satire. Could this be true? Could it be that blind people are just people, with a variety of interests, abilities and personalities, much like the rest of us? Will it be okay if I interact with them, or ignore them if I want, just as I would with anyone else?
A: No! Certainly not! Now, there’s a world full of blind people to shout at, misdirect and confuse for one another. So get to it!